Thanks to Gaufrid for stepping in!
I have switched phones and had apparently turned off email updates, alarms, and notifications (although not the messages every five minutes suggesting I buy extras)!
Appropriately, the phone I’m (mis)using is the new Bond phone. There’s obviously the possibility of a Bond reference in the title, especially when there’s a Bond film coming out soon (actually, it’s out now), but is it actually Bond-related?